Thursday, July 7, 2011

What it means to lose a parent.... when they're still alive...

Ok, so I guess I haven't written in a long ass time. I guess my life has just gotten so crazy lately that I just don't have time to write. Hell, I don't even have time to think, to figure out what I should do next. My Dad is ripping my family apart and I dont know how to stop it. Hell, I dont think that I can stop it. My sister has decided to cut him out of her life, but I don't know that I can do that as easily. I'm the last bit of hope he has, but I hate him. I knows that I've lost my father and I dont know how to deal with it. I dont know what to do. He is alive. He is there. But... The man I knew as my father is gone.

I can't grieve because he is still here.... But he is gone at the same time...

The man I see is someone that I hate... He is a nasty old man that abuses my mother... he is someone I Want to destroy... But he is still my father, the man who raised me, the man who taught me what it means to be a man. Talk about irony.

If I'm being honest, I'm just tired. So god awful tired of trying to figure out what I am supposed to do next. How do I prevent my mom from being hurt? How do I prevent him from hurting all of us more? Why does it seem to fall on my shoulders? How on earth am I going to make it through this? I don't know.

I'm tired of not sleeping. Fuck, I'm just tired... So tired... So numb...

The sad part of this is that I've let this take over much of my life. I don't do the things I used to love, like fish, because of what it might mean to my relationship with my father. If I don't go because of "medical" reasons, he can't blame me for not taking him.

At the end of the day, I guess I don't know what to do next. It's the desperation, the lack of hope, that drives you nuts. I feel like I have to make everything better, but I can't. I can't solve these probems, and even though I shouldn't feel this way, I feel like I've failed. I've failed those closest to me and I don't quite know how to deal with that.

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